I used to blog and I loved it. I loved sharing what God was teaching me and encouraging others. I wish I could say blogging stopped because I had more kids, but that's not true...
It was a deeper and a darker issue. I was mad. I was filling with fear and I was confused with God. Now it makes me cringe even thinking about that time, and yet God was so good and so gracious to help me climb out of my pit. I begged Him to help me overcome those dark feelings. And he did, completely and entirely.
“I was mad that life wasn't feeling or looking good, I was afraid other people who didn't know God would wonder why He allowed his child to keep going through hardship and I was confused as to why I couldn't overcome these dark feelings faster.”
I think God knew I needed to walk with Him through this, instead of run through or run out of it. To face my fears head on and let Him gently and completely remove the hard water that had accumulated within my heart. I am the person who wants to fix things, like yesterday. Patience is not my strong suit, anyone with me? Patience is most certainly a virtue that I am learning. It seems once I have learnt it in one area, another area pops up and I have to do it all over, however I did learn that victory is certain - in Christ!
Reason #1 Anger
Our story Is a long one, it's full of gut wrenching heartbreak and at the same time, so much good that came out of such a painful time of life! If you haven't read about my story before you can read it here on my old blog.
In summary, my first husband Preston Newby passed away very suddenly. I was not angry about losing Preston, but rather I felt I had met my quota of suffering. No. more. Please Jesus no more.
I had a false belief that one day life would be easier, and lighter. That because I had endured such painful suffering that no more loss would strike me.
It turns out that even though it was SUCH a gift to get remarried, marriage after being widowed wasn't turning out to be a happily ever after story. It was like a knight in shining armor came along and rescues the damsel in distress.... but then we tripped on a branch and flew head first into a swamp. It was a major adjustment that none of us assumed would be so hard. And that made me sad and it made me mad. I wanted happily ever after soo bad. I thought I deserved it and I wanted that for my kids. After all God loved me and would want me to have too right?
And on top of a struggling marriage, we thought we would add another baby to the family but God said not right now... and my lack of patience only escalated my anger. This is called secondary infertility and I know that it is different when we already had two sweet boys, but I can tell you it's still not easy on the heart. Three of my sisters all got pregnant within this time and it was so painful for me. I could not understand why not us. And know that we did have such wonderful moments of joy and family unity but I am emphasizing here why I chose To stop writing.
I didn't want to blog because I didn't want anyone to know I was so angry at God. Yet He didn't give up on me and was faithful to tilt my chin towards His glorious face.
"I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23
I am overwhelmed with gratitide for a very faithful heavenly Father!
Reason #2 and #3 Fear
I knew that surrendering my will and my desires was vital to peace and honoring God with my life (and I wanted to do that!)
But one day we were at a family gathering and the talk was all about new babies. I could not handle it. I didn't want to handle it. So I went into the bathroom and burst into heavy sobs. The one thought that kept going through my mind was, how could a God who loved me so much allow so much pain?
I didn't know if I wanted God's will over my own and if i surrendered to Him fully, then I might have to accept that I will never have a child with Kevin. And my earthly desires are strong. I'm totally not a control freak.
I cried and I told God that I was going to turn my back on Him instead of surrender. That if He actually loved me He would stop all of this and give me my desires. (This is the part I just cringe at.) So I put my face to the floor and sobbed in my pain and rebellion, (let's be honest, it was) but then this verse came to mind:
"Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" John 6:68
There was nowhere else for me to go. Jesus has the words of life, He IS fully trustworthy and it was there that God's spirit moved so powerfully within me. He made the words of scripture imprinted within my soul and what my mind know knew, my heart loved and wanted to act upon. I knew instantly that God's ways were better than mine, even if I never got the baby I wanted. I knew I could let it go and it would be ok. Even better than Ok, it would be good.
It was my perspective that needed to shift not Gods.
Right before Jesus was taken by the soldiers to be put on "trial," He was praying,
"My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as i will but as you will." Jesus was the perfect example of surrender of His situation.
After Jesus' death and resurrection, His disciples all died, except one, for their faith. Their life was not full of earthly pleasures, and personal desires, but rather persecution and hardship. And yet as you read the words in the of these men in the Bible you don't see them complaining, you don't see them resentful or bitter. Instead you see them joyful and at peace in the midst of their trials! They knew that knowing and walking with Jesus surpassed anything that this world had to offer. And God was going to show me that as well. He was going to shift my perspective to a healthy view.
I had already known He was the greatest gift when Preston died, but we so easily forget and I allowed my emotions to control me instead of God.
I stopped blogging out of fear of what others would think of God, and a fear that God did not love me because he allowed others to have an easier road than me and I didn't know how to share that. But as I daily surrendered my desires for a happily ever after He replaced my desire with a knowledge of Himself through the time I spent with Him - in His word. I fell more and more AND more in LOVE with Him!! And was so overcome by Jesus that this earth and all it offers became less and less enticing.
We did eventually get pregnant and had another little boy and then one more after that! And I can say now, that I am thankful for the hard journey that was, because of how I grew towards Christ.
I leave you with this verse that so very much describes my journey and I pray will inspire you to be in the Bible and giving him your desires.
"...Letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace." Romans 8:6
Let the One who created you guide you into all peace and be restored as He has and continues to restore me!